The Lost Voice
You might not believe this, but I assure you it’s the truth – one of my greatest fears is the sharing of my voice.
You would have thought with the amount of presenting and teaching that I’ve done, I would have pushed past that fear. And certainly those that have seen me teach my classes, deliver my lectures, present my conference papers, have always commented on how assured I seem – how confident and comfortable.
I don’t tell them that beneath the desk my legs were trembling so much that if I’d been asked to walk across the room to dim the lights, I’d have collapsed.
The frustrating thing is, is that I’m a good speaker – I’m articulate, I project, my tone is warm, my intent is clear. But none of this seems to ease the nerves. In the weeks leading up to an event that requires me to speak in a public forum, I lose my voice. Physically, my voice just disappears – I open my mouth and no sound comes out. I have to communicate over email rather than phone. I need to sign to my husband and kids. Inevitably I get it back right before I’m due to perform, although it’s been a close call on a number of occasions.
And as for singing – that’s a whole other level of terror. I sing around the house all the time – in the kitchen, in the shower… but never in public.
But it didn’t always used to be that way. I used to win karaoke competitions as a teenager – I wonder where that confidence to get up and share my voice went, because I couldn’t possibly imagine doing anything like that now. In fact, I was invited to join a choir just last week, and I couldn’t run away fast enough!
I revisit the following Martha Graham quote often from this place of not sharing my voice, and it makes me sad:
There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is on a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others. ~ Martha Graham
I tell myself that the way I choose to express my ‘voice’ is through my writing and that’s how I keep the channel open. Deep down I know this is only partially true. Deep down I recognize that I am blocking my expression in so many ways. I am clogging the channel of my creativity with fears of imperfection, of exposure, of vulnerability, of ridicule and criticism… fears of fear itself.
In my silence I am increasingly dissatisfied, discontent. I feel the need to reclaim my voice and set aside those fears. And so, my sweet, I’m opening this up to you. How do you share your voice? How do you experience this fear of expression and how do you set these fears to one side to follow your creative path?
10 Comments
Joanna Paterson
If the choir sound remotely nice / friendly – join it. Singing in a group is fantastic, exhilarating, life affirming, and it matters not a jot how well you can sing. The power is in the voice of the collective.
Do something else where you’re using your voice but it’s not tied to your identity. Am dram? Pantomime?!
If you keep getting stuck, try some hypnosis – there’s something there you don’t consciously know about, and pushing at it isn’t the answer.
I agree, writing is not the same as using your voice, there is something else inside which is much more like song, and is linked to the physicality of speaking / singing.
Sorry if any of that sounded easy or prescriptive – not meant that way – apart from:
join the choir!!!
Gill Potter
I can totally empathise with you on this one Amy. Not sure how to shift other than keep doing it -keep standing up and speaking. Fear affects us all and only by having faith does it dissipate. I also think as women we have not been listened to -perhaps a past life regression may help to see if something needs to be released -e.g. if you spoke up in another life and were punished for it.So many women find it difficult to really speak from the heart and be heard-do it anyway! And keep asking for direction to help you-ask and it is given xx
Amy Oscar
Ditto for me.
In fact, it manifested in the strangest way in my late twenties, when my husband and I were trying to conceive a child. It had been almost two years when I began to lose my voice every time I got my period. It was the most bizarre experience. I would go into the bathroom with a voice, see the blood begin and walk out with no voice. Total laryngitis. It was my first direct experience of psych-somatic symptoms.
Oddly, when I consulted a doctor, he told me he’d heard about this before. That the vocal cords actually collect water – in response to the emotions.
Now that I’m more in touch with energy medicine, with how the body so often expresses what we are unable to express with our ‘voices’ this makes complete sense to me. Then, it was a bafflement.
Nikki Turner
Start of by sharing in a safe place. Get a group of friends together, let inhibitions go (remember you know how to do this, you’ve had 3 children! lol) and have fun. Do not over think, over analyse or judge, the object is not be successful but to find your own unique voice. I recently did a workshop with Peter Govan about how to find your true voice, mine tends to be really high and I’ve always hidden it away, but now I am making peace with it, so what if my husband doesn’t like it, it’s mine and it is a wonderful tool for me to use…. Play, play and play some morexx
There’s a place in Edinburgh that you can have your own private karaoke party, lets book it!! hee hee x
Michèle Taylor
I believe you are right to emphasise the significance of the physical, audible voice. It is so deeply exposing and your account resonates with my experience just as it clearly does with so many others’. For me, I have to honour my voice along with my physicality and with my creative intent. It is no accident that the Alexander Technique was born when an actor found he kept losing his voice. I know I silence my voice – it is merely one weapon in my armoury of self-sabotage. I seek to ask myself where the fear is, what needs soothing and what permissions I do not have to move the airwaves around me…
Jackie Walker
Ah, the singing is one I know only too well, although I don’t remember a time when I ever sang in tune! I’m led to believe that we can all sing when we release the emotion around it, and wish I’d been at the workshop with Nikki!
I’m curious ….. how did you feel recording your Bloom by Moon visualisations, the videos you posted, the podcasts and radio interviews you’ve given so beautifully? Is it something specific you want which you feel isn’t coming through? How do you feel when you’re delivering a goddess playshop? Are there times when you give of yourself and find your voice, can these be built on? What’s the difference which makes the difference?
Sorry, lots of questions I know!
Amanda Cruise
Dear lovely Amy,
Sending you much love and creative courage and thanks for sharing these thoughts and feelings with us. In response to your questions:
How do you share your voice? – mostly I don’t. I suppress, I repress, I sabotage and I do everything but….and it’s killing my soul. I love Martha Graham’s quote, I’ve treasured it for so long, and each time I read it, it makes me want to cry…BUT (and it’s helluva a big but) I don’t give up – see reply below.
How do you experience this fear of expression? – a lot of anxiety, knots in my stomach, distraction, constant ‘to do’s’ and busy-ness, a thick fog that descends and swallows my desire to express, a wall so big and so solid I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever manage to knock it down.
How do you set these fears to one side to follow your creative path? – I DON’T GIVE UP. I push and rebel against the resistance and the fears at every turn and sometimes, just sometimes I manage a little creative something. Plus all the positive affirmations, visualizations etc etc I can muster. Above all, I use the anger of not wanting to let my creative light die to give me courage and strength. And, I am starting to use process art. Which is amazing. I would love to share this with you, I am certain you would love it. Shall I push against ever fear in my book and organise a workshop? Will you come? 🙂 Ax
Helen Harrop
Your words are stirring up a lot of ‘stuff’ for me – I dread public speaking … even waiting to introduce myself to a room full of people makes me irrationally anxious and I suddenly struggle to remember anything about myself apart from my name – while I wait for my turn to come I’m not listening to what anyone else is saying because my brain is desperately grasping around for any words that it can string into a coherent sentence. I unintentionally took part in a Feral Choir recently (including an unanticipated public performance) and it was such an enjoyable and liberating experience. I’ve never felt such a strange combination of being completely visible and yet at the same time feeling safe among all the other voices. It was indescribable really but it was definitely more of a ‘being experience’ than a ‘doing performance’, if that makes any sense 🙂
Jackie Walker
I was driving home late last night and listening to the radio. The interviewer spoke to two song writer/performers (they were unconnected). It really made me sit up and listen … because what came to mind was how beautiful their music and lyrics were and yet they were far less able to express themselves by talking.
I had to write it down when I came home because I kept hearing your name and knew I had to share the contrast in skill sets.
Jackie Walker
This post won’t leave me ….. I’ve just had another aha moment! I was writing to a friend who was expressing their feelings when they returned after years to learning something they used to enjoy and it left them in tears. This is what I wrote
“I had a similar feeling when I went dancing a couple of weekends ago, I found a part of me that had been missing, it was humbling and very significant. I wonder if it’s to do with different ways to express ourselves, we can get so comfy doing what we can that we forget or avoid what will allow us to learn something new about ourselves and put us back in the beginner’s class to expose our true vulnerability. Without that vulnerability we become too certain and life flows in the uncertainty.”
With love Amy, and thank you, you’ve taught me so much this week x