A Path to Wellness
3 weeks ago I woke up with a pain in my abdomen. A sharp pain that stole my breath and fought my every move. And I did what I always do when faced with pain. I ignored it.
I carried on with what I’d said I would do. I commuted, had meetings, client sessions, family commitments, housework and all the rest. Until I couldn’t.
I shifted from ignoring the pain to denying it. It’s not so bad, I told my beloved. I told myself. The last time I went to the doctor was over a decade ago. I don’t get sick, I protested.
When I finally relented, I was really struggling to walk with any semblance of ease. The doctor took one look at me and admitted me to hospital. And yet, even as the doctor in the ward asked me how I was doing, while I lay curled foetal-like on the hospital bed, I told him, ‘Fine.”
Test results clear, scans normal, sent home with pain medication, feeling like a fraud, like a time-waster, I chastised my body for not behaving itself. For being a mystery, a puzzle. I withdrew from my physical self in frustration and in bafflement.
Deny. Ignore. Disassociate.
When faced with something in life that feels uncomfortable, that is causing upset, aggravation, pain, this is the pattern of my response. What I’ve learned by allowing myself time and space to sit within this discomfort is that there is another way.
Acknowledge. Accept. Integrate.
This is a path back into wellness, back into full health. Acknowledging that I have pain, that I feel discomfort, fear, difficulty, challenge, has been the first step for me. Accepting that this pain exists, that it’s valid despite the “normal” test and scan results, has been my second step. Integrating the full picture, seeing my pain as a part of a bigger set of circumstances that currently make up my life, has been my third.
And here, I find a fourth step. Articulation.
I chose not to publicly share what’s been going on with this painful experience for a number of reasons. But I’m sharing it now. Here I am articulating my pain, my ache, because there are important lessons in this experience – there are gifts.
I’m not moving very quickly or very well just yet. I’m living life in the (very) slow lane. A big shift in pace for me. My sense of presence has been exceptionally heightened.
I’m having to come to terms with the fact that I’ve had to cancel appointments, in order to care for myself, and so that I can deliver the level of service that I want to be able to provide and that my clients deserve. I see now that when I put myself second nobody ends up first.
I’ve had to take really good care of myself. Early nights, naps, healthy, delicious food, rest. My compassion for myself has increased tenfold.
I’ve had to accept help. Receiving support, comfort, assistance… everything I really struggle to receive, my pain has put me in a position where I’ve gratefully accepted any help that’s been offered.
Acknowledgement. Acceptance. Integration. Articulation.
I’m not yet walking this path to wellness with graceful gait, but rather with a slow shuffle. But I’m getting there.
6 Comments
rachael maddox
i love you, amy. it’s so funny how we all have our things… those places where we can’t bare to look. the parts of our existence that we avoid. YOU ARE SO BRAVE to be speaking from your most tender spot. really. breathe through the vulnerability. it’s perfect.
Lynn / Power Chicks
Amy, what is so beautiful here is how your personal story allows us readers to experience compassion, empathy and understanding both for you AND for ourselves. A gift indeed – many thanks. Lynn xoxo
alexis yael
I hear you and feel you and send comfort and love (and understanding) to you.
Philippa
Oh Amy, I am sorry to hear you have been going through this. It is so true that too often we ignore or deny pain, partly because acknowledgement allows worry to creep in. And partly because we find it hard to accept that our bodies might have “let us down”. I find that I took my health so much for granted before I was diagnosed, Now I am much more in tune and (still often reluctantly) will listen to what my body is saying and seek advice. I do know what yu mean though about the strange sense when results are clear. Enormous relief (and I am so glad your tests were all clear), but alongside that is the question “why then am I in such pain and what IS the cause”. Often, culturally too, we then feel that we are making an unwarranted fuss.
I am very glad your tests were clear, and I wish you continued recovery and a return to strength and pain free full health.
Philippa
Martine Brennan
Pain has slowed me down more than once in my life. It taught me to pay attention to me. It taught me to say no. Pain helped me find yoga and exercise. When I didn’t fight it, pain helped me make a better life for myself. Thank you Amy for reminding me.
shana
amy love,
as a fellow traveler on this road, i feel such empathy for your experience. when you state, “I chastised my body for not behaving itself. For being a mystery, a puzzle” – i just want to reach out & hug you. it got me thinking. my entire medical odyssey has been atypical. the most common phrases i’d hear from the medical community are “gee, we’ve never seen this before”, “your body is uniquely sensitive and we do not have an answer”. i have vacillated between feeling curious, fascinated, rebellious and despairing but never admonishing. at least not physically. this actually surprises me since i’m so damn hard on myself!. thank you for sharing your very wise path to wellness. you are a light. xo
cheers from shana