A Summer of Self

I know, it’s an opportunity that most of us fantasize about, right? What would it be like to not to have all our time and space and energy and attention taken up by our jobs, our children, and our partners? Just imagine what we could achieve! A regular yoga practice. A slow delicious morning routine. A sparkling social life. A clean bathroom… the list goes on and on.

And then we feel the stirring of the slow-burning embers of a guilty conscious.

After all, we’re good at our job, and, let’s face it, in this economic climate we’re lucky to have a job at all. We love our children and our partners deeply and have forged strong bonds, solid family relationships that we would feel beyond devastated to lose. What awful people we must be to crave a little time to ourselves to ‘refill our well’, to kick up our heels and come back to self!

But still, there’s a part of us that watches Eat Pray Love, and longs to be Elizabeth Gilbert setting off on our big adventure of indulgence, spiritual enlightenment and romance. And then we need to accept that we’re not her; we’re actually the best friend that sees her off at the airport confessing that we’d love to do the same thing, but we can’t leave our children, our husband, our job.

On one level, this is only right. I mean, we can’t all live in an ashram, right? And if we’re being really truly honest, it’s more often the dream of the ashram that calls us, rather than the reality.  And so we take comfort in the fact that our great escape remains a dream. It’s so much easier and more comfortable than actually admitting to ourselves that if we were gifted a break from our lives, we probably wouldn’t want it.

Well, a 2 week poolside holiday with a stack of novels, the occasional mojito, and an attractive lifeguard 10yrs our junior to rub suntan lotion on our backs would be lovely – and then we’d start missing everyone terribly. And we’d be complaining that we couldn’t get a decent cuppa.

Like I said, it’s an opportunity most of us fantasize about, safe in the knowledge that we’re never actually going to have to face up to making the dream a reality.

So, here I sit writing about dreams and fantasies and the self-centred desire for more me-time in the knowledge that, for me, those dreams are about to come true. Well, for 6 and a half weeks, anyway.

Let me explain….

My beloved’s parents live in Australia, and it’s been 5yrs since we last visited them. This has been largely due to finances – plane tickets for a family of 5 to Australia from the UK do not come cheap. But, we decided that this was the year for another visit while we only had one child who required an adult ticket.

And then the university where I work got in touch with an offer I couldn’t refuse. So now I’m teaching for 3hrs a week over summer, which means that we either call off the trip, or my beloved and our children go to the land down-under without me. We chose the latter.

2 weeks today they all fly out on their grand adventure leaving me behind to have my own adventure – just one that doesn’t include a long-haul flight.

So what to do? What to do? So much time, so many weeks to fill… I can eat whatever I like. I can get up when I’m awake and go to bed when I’m tired. I can watch chick flick movies during the day. I can experiment with chanting mantras and not worry about giggling children listening in and making me feel self-conscious. I can eat a whole chocolate bar and not have to share a square.

Yet, sitting cheek by jowl with all this possibility are real heart-felt fears of just how much I’m going to miss them all, how I’m going to cope with domestic everyday issues (practicality is not my forte), and the big one: who the hell am I when I’m alone and not actively playing the roles of mother and wife?

So that’s what I’m going to be blogging about here for the next wee while.

Welcome to Amy’s Summer of Self – one woman’s story of a self-centered summer.

I’m going to be as honest as I possibly can be – if it sucks and I miss my family and I’ve started talking to myself for lack of companionship, I’ll tell you!

But I really would like it if you’d keep me company through the summer. I’ll be setting mini challenges for myself and for you throughout the coming couple of months. I do so hope you’ll join in! And please do subscribe to make sure that you don’t miss out on anything. I’ve already made a startling discovery about my summer plans and my recent realization that maybe it’s meant to be easy – I’ll be sharing that tomorrow 😉